Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Fun in the Shower

I have a charmingly old apartment. It has great wood floors, wood doors and wood molding. And probably the regular kind of mold growing places too.

Among the charming features of this apartment are a giant clawfoot tub which has been retro-fitted with a shower head so one can enjoy the modern convenience of peeing while standing up in the bathtub.

Perhaps back in the 17th century when this building was built it was common for a family's candles to extinguish, so they put a window in the bathroom for illumination to both help you aim at the toilet and so that you could watch for Revere's lanterns, musket forever at the ready...

Now that we've got a toehold in the 21st century and it's quite common for people to be so occupied with their waterproof gadgetry that they take it with them into the shower, the placement of a full-length window by the shower is puzzling.

I was concerned by its presence at first, but then learned to appreciate the natural beauty of the world outside while I scrubbed the day's filth from behind my ear holes.

Perhaps when our feeble ancestors insisted on sitting in the tub (instead of standing like a proper red-blooded American) they thought the natural world wouldn't mind them using the natural light to illuminate their plague-infested flesh.

But I say greet the world full-frontal with a smile and a handful of shampoo and enjoy the view that the Good Lord Almighty has presented you with that morning as you prepare to fight your daily battles.

Just remember: everyone in the world wants to see you naked as much as you do.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Put Your Pants On!

"Put your pants on!" my sister cried as she found me waiting my turn for the shower.

At the time I was unprepared to respond to the squawking, but I later realized that she should've been thanking me for the opportunity to condition her mind. While the sight of me and my limbs is pretty horrifying, it's not the worst thing in the universe.

Take car accidents.
Or a pile of dead flaming puppies.
Or a complete solar burn-out.

When these things do occur, she will realize that she has been effectively numbed to their horror by seeing my unsightly sights and she will remain acute and alert in the face of unspeakable horrors, prepared for action.

So...you're welcome.

Let's get that right next time.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011

Zero Mostel makes a mean Henry VIII

...made all the more intriguing by a life-size Muppet that he gets to sing to.

The show ends with lady wrestlers. What could possibly go wrong?